For 3 days I am crying now. I am not complaining, I do know I have a wonderful life. However sometimes being alone on the road is, well kind of alone. Leaving Colorado behind is hard on me. I loved the mountains, I loved the outdoors, I loved the people. Having mostly written about the high times in this blog, it has seems there were no low times. But the steady life I had before has been replaced by a life with many ups and downs. By leaving Colorado, I hit for sure the lowest down point of my trip.
It’s a romantic thought, traveling through the world. Seeing beautiful places, meeting amazing people, experiencing great adventures. In practice, its “just” my life. It sound snobby but there is a thing as travel tired. An over load of another lake, another mountain, another great view. Having done a long trip before I knew the symptoms and surprised many new friends by just staying inside for the first day at their place. Please, my brain can not handle another input. It still needs time to process the previous experience.
Traveling around also makes you every time the new kid in town. That attracts attention. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, be one of them. Being new also leaves me behind on the in and outs of the region. Having not even grown up in this country, I always feel I am a step behind to start off with. I do not know about hunting, about fishing, about mountaineering, about building with wood, about seasonal work, about avalanches, about mountain biking, about tides, about sustainable living. Every time I have to build up the knowledge, the confidence and establish a position again for me, Iris.
How wonderful it has been to stay at so many peoples place. I always have to adjust to their life. I miss a place of my own, where things go my way. I miss the familiar. I miss friends which go back for a while. I miss a regular life.
But I am also afraid of the future. How much longer? Where do I go afterwards? What do I want? Alone? Who am I? These questions race through my mind at times and overwhelm me when I am in a low.
And now I am at the low of the lows and hardly have myself in control. I plan to go hiking in the Wind Range, but leg the energy and mental strength to pull it off. Instead I start crying again and continue driving alone along the roads heading north. I pick up a hitch hiker just back from a river in Idaho. He tells me I have a wonderful life, but I don’t believe him. I cry when he leaves my car and I keep driving. I look up at the Tetons in Wyoming and still keep driving.
Washington, what the hell am I going to do here?
Iris (Newhalem, 47063 miles)
